that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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