My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
