I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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