Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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