i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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