Already got asked if we're dating
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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