his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
