You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
