Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
