i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
