I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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