john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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