would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
