I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
