Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Randomize
