Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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