When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I need to sanitize my soul.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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