This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
