she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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