She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
