I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
