Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
