Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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