So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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