my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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