While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
