i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Randomize
