My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
My dad is sitting where you rode me
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
