Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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