now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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