I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
