i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
