I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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