My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
