I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
