there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
