Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
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