Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
