I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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