Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
