I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
