Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i think i have two assholes
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
