I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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