This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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