True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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