Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
