I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
