John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
