Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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