No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
