the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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