Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
