Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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